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Suri Cruise Born

Suri Cruise Born

…Suri-ously?

Welcome to Earth, Suri Cruise!  Us lifeforms are called humans.  Huuuuuu-maaaaaans. [Waves hello] Your journey was unexpectedly long but your parents, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, are proud to welcome you into this world as their first child, a bouncing baby girl.  You weighed in at 7 lbs 7 oz and your name Suri means "princess" in Hebrew or "red rose" in Persian. You have two siblings from your father’s previous marriage to Nicole Kidman (she’s also an actress) — Isabella, 13, and Connor, 11, who were adopted as infants.  This news comes the same exact day that your daddy’s sworn enemy, Brooke Shields, gave birth to her second child, a daughter named Grier Hammond Henchy.  You can look forward to your daddy setting up many playdates for the two of you.  Be excited!  Congrats to you and your parents!  TOM ‘N’ KATIE 4EVA!!

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114 Responses to “Suri Cruise Born”

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  1. 1
    BRANGELINA GORGEOUS Says:

    first!!!!let the jokes begin!

  2. 2
    crzymaid Says:

    And how coincidental that the baby appeared on the same morning as Brooke Shields’ baby. I wonder what TC will think of to say next about poor Brookie.

  3. 3
    HELLO! Says:

    He hates Brooke sheilds. this was his plan from day one.LOL

  4. 4
    wildviolette Says:

    I thought I felt a strange disturbance in the Force eariler today…this explains it!

  5. 5
    HELLO! Says:

    He hates Brooke sheilds. this was his plan from day one.LOL

  6. 6
    slj Says:

    We in San Francisco waked up with sirens in the morning. Now I know why.

  7. 7
    mary Says:

    Oh yeah. He used his time travelling Scientology powers to find out when Brooke would fall pregnant, then travelled back to make sure Katie was impregnated around the same time. Then as soon as Brooke Shields gave birth, he got Katie to have a c-section. I think he’s insane, but I can’t quite believe that it’s anything more than coincidence.

  8. 8
    alys Says:

    congratulation to both!AND WELOME TO THE BABY GIRL

  9. 9
    malibumom Says:

    It’s reported that Tom Cruise’s baby is a girl and her name is Suri

  10. 10
    Mateo Duh Acosta Says:

    great!! is it over now!!??

  11. 11
    whattheF Says:

    Baby Suri? Yeah I am sure Katie picked that name out. Poor girl is done now!! Did he eat the placenta? How funny the day Brooke had her baby. Let me guess… Katie had it before Brook right? Don’t buy it!!!

  12. 12
    CeeusBeeus Says:

    Congratulations to Brooke. Hope she is doing well, and won’t have PPD this time around.

  13. 13
    Paola Says:

    CONGRATS TO TOM AND KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELCOME SURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. 14
    Kaley Says:

    i heard that tom broke her water and drank it to wash down the placenta.

  15. 15
    P Says:

    *****, please.

  16. 16
    maxie Says:

    Let’s see with the worldwide premieres of MI3 starting next week, it was really lucky that she had the baby this week. Tom was able to be present and not have to miss out on the movie’s promotion. Wow, TomKat’s timing is really spot on.

  17. 17
    Michelle Says:

    Your girls are so funny and creative, iam laughing now!please more jokes!Congratulations to the two moms!

  18. 18
    Knows better Says:

    Congratulations to whomever it was that gave birth to Tom and Katiebot’s baby! Hope they paid you well.

  19. 19
    geniass Says:

    I wonder how silent the birth really was. Was the baby allowed to cry?

  20. 20
    Original jpf Says:

    Congrats to both of them, and I really like the name "Suri."Looks like the year for girl baby’s doesn’t it?jpf

  21. 21
    Knows better Says:

    from the gawker:The press release is thin on details like, say, when exactly the child was born, but the poor thing weighed in at 7 pounds and 7 ounces and is reportedly named Suri, which means “doomed” in Hebrew and “utterly fucked” in Persian.We are, of course, incredibly happy to hear that the couple has finally cast the appropriate orphan to play the role of their child — and our congrats to Katie Holmes, who must be thrilled to return to Barneys sans the cumbersome prosthetic.

  22. 22
    Cinnabana Says:

    I think the universe or the celestial being has a twisted sense of humor. They both had girls on the same day. I love it. Congrats to both. Now I hope people will leave TomKat alone.

  23. 23
    peggypamblue Says:

    Jared! I love you so I can’t allow you to have a grammar mistake in your lead story!! It’s "who were adopted," not "whom were adopted." You wouldn’t say "she has siblings, X and Y, whom are adored," would you? The linking verb ("were") means you don’t treat the "who" as a direct object.This is how your original text reads, and it’s incorrect:You have two siblings from your father’s previous marriage to Nicole Kidman (she’s also an actress) — Isabella, 13, and Connor, 11, whom were adopted as infants. (P.S. Want to hire me as an editor?)

  24. 24
    Knows better Says:

    Now the real fun begins! Seeing if Katebot shows up at the premiere and how she does or does not look postpartum…. if the child even remotely resembles either of them …. He heheheh The Scientology insurgents are out tonight full force this should be fun!

  25. 25
    Noir Says:

    Suri Cruise? Isn’t Tom from Syracuse? http://imdb.com/name/nm0000129/coincidence or another bizarre Cruisism?

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