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America's Next Top Model Mermaids

America's Next Top Model Mermaids

Shihrah: Princess of Powertubing is back with a recap of last night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model episode "The Girl Who is a Model, Not a Masseuse" — Is it just me, or is there something a little lackluster about this season of ANTM? Sure there’s crazy Jade, and all her crazy “I’m so humble and so beautiful” talk. Sure, there are the obligatory catfights (Jade vs. Gina, Brooke vs. Nnenna), the dramatic fainting spells (good acting, Tyra), the pain and bloodshed (Joanie’s 4 pulled teeth, eek), the catty and derisive remarks (aka judging panel). Yes, there is all that, and yet, something still feels missing to me. Is it just that we all still miss Janice, even though she’s been gone a while? Is it the lack of even the slightest hint of anorexia/bulimia/alcoholism this time around? Is it absence of the lesbian love interest storyline that Kim so helpfully introduced last cycle? Or is it just that the endless parade of “haven’t we done this already” photo shoots and the inexhaustible product placement opportunities that the show is now made up of has really and truly failed to produce a Top Model contender that we can really root for? In other words, where is the fierce?

Well, that’s it for my philosophical ponderings on the fate of ANTM. Back to the nitty-gritty. For their how-to-be-a-top-model lesson this week, the girls receive media training from Vanity Fair columnist George Wayne, who interviews each girl and tries to push her buttons by asking the “tough questions”, which pretty much amounts to him saying mean things to each girl and seeing who gets ticked off. When he challenges Danielle to spell the word “cantankerous” I really hoped she would get cantankerous and deck him but she kept her cool and laughed it off. Despite this fabulous show of restraint on Danielle’s part, however, Nnenna takes home top honors from the challenge for her implacable calm in the face of Mr. Wayne repeatedly calling her “snobby”. (continued after the jump)

(continued before the jump)  On the home front, we are treated to scenes of female bonding between Jade and Nnenna, who, surprisingly, seem to have become bosom buddies. True friendship, or just a case of “keep your friends close, and you enemies closer”? Danielle, meanwhile, is still engaged in an ethical struggle over whether to lose The Gap and stay, or to stay true to her own beliefs and go home. Over the phone, Danielle’s mother reminds her of the fate of the girl from Texas who wouldn’t get her hair cut – it’s like that story is now the urban legend aspiring models’ moms tell their model children to make the kids behave. It’s really not much of a fight – Danielle surrenders and returns to the dentist. The Gap is closed, more or less. Ok, the dentist caps Danielle’s two front teeth in a way that still leaves a gap, but it is a mere shadow of its former self.

As consolation, however, drag queen Ty-ra and real Tyra tell the girls “YOU’RE GOING TO THAILAND!!!” Huh? Thailand? What? Doesn’t she mean Milan/Paris/Tokyo/Other Legitimate Fashion Capital? Tyra then explains that Thailand does, in fact, have a thriving fashion scene, and even hosts their own fashion week. Danielle is completely consoled, saying, “Forget the gap, sucka, I’m going to Thailand!” Gotta love that spunky spirit. Once in Thailand, the girls are taken to a spa, where Nnenna and Jade get to taste the rewards of Nnenna’s challenge win – having the rest of the girls serving them like palace slaves. Furonda introduces her one-finger massage to the staid repertoire of Thai massage, invented out of necessity since she has to massage Nnenna but doesn’t like “touching up on people.”

For their photo shoot this week, the girls are taken to Bangkok’s famous floating market, where they must pose as “ The Catch of the Day” (i.e. mermaids hanging upside down from tangled fishnets amidst dead fish) in a shoot for Banana Boat Sunblock. During the shoot, Danielle channels sexy mermaid to perfection even though the smell of dead fish makes her throw up a little in her mouth. Nnenna turns in a noticeably lackluster performance, while Jade impresses Jay with her soft and pretty posing. Looks like that keeping your enemies close strategy is working out pretty well for Jade. Furonda complains about the stinky water and nasty fish, and can’t wait to be done so that she can return to the trailer where there is AC. Joanie, who looks gorgeous even hanging upside down in great pain, is self-conscious that her boobs will fall out of her bustier, for fear of offending the modesty of the Thai women around her. Props for Joanie and such a rare display of cultural sensitivity on a reality show – almost makes up for that time Yaya spit out the cured plum in front of the client in Tokyo.

At judging, the judges say pretty much all the same things to each of the girls that they have been saying all along. Blah, blah, bland, bland, bland. All the mermaid pics are pretty good, though none are spectacular (again, Where is the fierce?) – with the exception of Nnenna’s picture, which is really pretty bad, with bland facial expression and awkwardly held arms. As expected, Nnenna and Furonda end up in bottom two. So who at that point was already bidding goodbye to Furonda? AND THEN the inconceivable happened. THEY SENT NNENNA HOME. And then, in voiceover, we hear Nnenna’s voice saying, “I’m surprised the I’m the one going home.” I guess that’s what you get when you allow evil Jade to work her weird, mysterious voodoo magic over you. I take back my earlier comment – clearly, Jade is fierce.

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  • slickchick07

    HOW COULD THEY SEND HOME NNENNA????? She is the only one with any presence and true beauty from all of those girls. Tyra is nuts – Furonda is nowhere nearly as pretty as Nnenna.

  • daniellefan

    I’m glad to see Nnenna go. Her pictures did not reflect how beautiful she was in person. As for Furonda, there is no way she can make it to the top. They are probably keeping her around to make future decisions easier…knowing Furonda does not have the abilityt to be a ‘Top Model’. Go Danielle!

  • ErinMarie79

    I’m glad Nnenna is gone too. I didn’t like her attitude. I still LOVE Danielle. I really hope she wins.

  • sarah is hot

    i was also kind of glad to see Nnenna go. She seemed kind of snobby like she was the hottest one there or something and she took the same pictures every time with her totally serious harsh face. and a lot of the time she kind of looked like a man……..but i agree while Furonda can take some good pictures, i dont’ see her being a Top Model either. i like Sarah though!! i just wish she’d take some better pictures cuz she could be the winner, same with Joanie….sorry Jade but i dont’ think anybody likes you……..

  • kk

    neena was dull in photos…glad she’s gone. The whole phone issue was annoying me and i wasn’t even there. I hope her bf leaves her. lol

  • boring ANTM

    Nnenna snobby attitude was her downfall, that mermaid photoshoot awful, that material covering her skin made it worse. Danielle trys to stay true to herself and it showed in her interview, I’m glad she almost closed that gap in her teeth. Sara, this girl has the potential to go far. she has the legs, looks but something is lacking, maybe ANTM cut off too much of her hair because she’s not thinking on her feet. Furonda and Jade don’t like them. nothing more to say about them. Now Joanie this photoshoot of her being a mermaid is beautiful. She can walk in 12" shoes. And I admire her courage to go through all that pain with getting her teeth fix. My guess it will come down to Danielle and Joanie.

  • anon

    DANIELLE IS AWESOME!!!! i

  • Santeezy

    My top 3: Joanie and Danielle top two. Sarah in third place. Joanie wins. I can’t wait till the end. Nnenna is overrated. Her pictures weren’t great and that whole phone thing was annoying too.

  • Meow

    I’m so glad Nnenna was sent home! And I don’t think there’s something missing in this cycle, I love it, and I think that cycle 5 was one of the worst…