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Dane Cook: 10 Reason Why I Hate My Movie's Poster

Dane Cook: 10 Reason Why I Hate My Movie's Poster

Comedian/actor Dane Cook hates his latest movie’s poster and he’s not ashamed to admit it! Here’s are the top ten complaints he has with it, just posted on his MySpace blog:

“Dear Diary, Before the downpour let me just say that my new movie, My Best Friends Girl, is the best / funniest film I’ve done yet. It’s got a terrific cast. Kate Hudson, Alec Baldwin, Jason Biggs, and myself [sic] really kicked the funny around. This movie showcases our talents accordingly as it expands on them. It’s a fun R-rated flick. An edgy comedy with a dash of romance.

That being said, let me address the fact that although I’m not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted reputation after 18 years self-promoting. I’d like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in. Here are a few things that truly blow about my upcoming movie poster to promote the release of the film opening on September 19th:

1. Graphics: Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head: The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ [sic] (VJJ).

3. The Stare: My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudson‘s hair. Kate‘s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half-stunned, half-corsage.

4. Lips: It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My character’s name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion: My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh: It’s no secret that I’m more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I’ve got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the f—in’ bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would look at me and say “s— … that guys got flawless skin!”

7. Hair: It’s actually a close up shot of Tom Selleck‘s Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin’.

8. The set: Pick one. This entire film takes place:

A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast: Alec Baldwin is so f—ing funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts: I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.

Granted, one poster stinking up the joint isn’t the end of the world. Yet it sends the wrong message about our movie and I just wanted you to know, that I feel the pain. I really love the film and I know from past missteps marketing wise that the wrong poster sends the wrong audience into the theater.

Thanks again for all of your support. If you have not seen the red band trailer (which is excellent and represents the flick accordingly) click on the link at the top of this page.

PS – “Its funny what love can make you do.” I just threw up all over this awful poster. Wow, wait … it looks better.

Hey … I love my new movie. Jeez … it IS funny what love can make you do.”

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  • Amy

    first!!

  • Aro

    he sucks. he thinks he is funny and he’s NOT!

  • Aro

    he SUCKS! he thinks he is sooo funny and he is SO NOT!

  • audrey

    he has good points there xD

  • Rita

    Great ranting, I actually found that funny.

  • whatever yo

    shouldn’t that say Reasons?

    you forgot to add the s to reason

  • http://voguebeauty.blogspot.com/ Vogue
  • audrey

    surprisingly, this also got a couple chuckles from me (:

  • Seriously

    Dane Cook is NOT funny and neither are his movies.

  • Gracie

    Well, I thought that was funny.

  • ALI

    hahahhahaha – i like how he complains about the bad photoshopped face – LOL

  • maeg

    TLDR, sorry Dane.

  • fkjdk

    HAHAHHAA, THAT MOVIE IS GONNA BE GREAT.

  • jessica

    what a douche.

  • me

    Wow that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  • kenya

    I love Dane Cook!! The ten reason(s) were very funny. Especially #2.

    So funny!!!

  • Edumacated

    Oh, so it’s the bad MARKETING that is responsible for your box office failures. Thanks for clearing that up, Dane. I could have sworn it had to do with (1) your acting skills, which are on par with Jessica Simpson’s, and (2) what is inexplicably referred to as your “humor.” You are about the least amusing person on the planet. “Alec Baldwin … plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.” You call that a JOKE??? That you dare to call yourself a comedian is indefensible. You simply ARE NOT FUNNY!!! Instead of complaining about the poster, you should be on your knees thanking God and the universe for giving you even a modicum of success. When not on your knees giving thanks, you should be volunteering at a food bank or somewhere equally charitable. Because, Mr. Cook, you are one LUCKY b*astard!! Success without one shred of looks, brains or talent. Give thanks, my friend, give thanks!!!

  • cb

    I don’t normally dig him, but that was funny! I love that he called out a designer on their crappy photoshop skills. Waaaaay too many people these days think they are graphic designers and they’re not. I hope they put this up over at the hilarious site, photoshopdisasters dot com.

  • ac

    That font is also overused in romantic movie comedy posters. I love Dane.

  • A pap

    I agree with homeboy here.
    Looks to me that this graphic designer is a GOSSIP GIRL fan!
    Kinda find visual codes there.

  • Mika

    “Iā€™m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.”

    I don’t care for Dane either way, but I also noticed the strange way his head is craned as opposed to how his body is positioned. Anyways: LOL at the silly poster art.

  • mickey

    He needs to worry more about being funny then a movie poster. He is the least funny comedian I’ve ever seen.

  • pomme

    he’s right,this poster is shitty!

  • xyz123xyz

    Dane Cook drives me mad. I don’t see the appeal, he is an annoying muppet and his films make me want to pull my hair out. Please just go away

  • KatKat

    OMG! This is so hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing!

  • karlie

    The NUMBER ONE reason should be– because there’s an UNFUNNY, ego-driven DOUCHEBAG in the middle of the poster.

    Sorry to be crude but Dane cook sucks harder than a $5 crack ho!

  • bee

    That was actually pretty funny and clever, made me laugh which is hard to do.
    Melting face, bells palsy, barn owls…he is crazy 0.o

  • Kim

    I thought it was funny. Usually I don’t find comedian/actor people funny , but I did here :D .

  • josie

    I’ve heard from people that he is a tool. Now I believe it.

  • OMG

    OMG…that was soooo funny, i couldn’t stop laughing….thanks i needed that lol

  • becca

    haha the guy’s fucking hilarious! haha
    i love his stand-up comedies :)

  • Melissa

    He’s so funny. I love him

  • http://promomami.blogspot.com Becca

    i hate to agree with Dane Cook about ANYTHING… but… he has a point… well, 10 of them.

    this is a foolish poster.

  • JOckstrap

    Oh dane. Your face does look like a Vajayjay.

  • JOckstrap

    Oh dane. Your face does look like a Vajayjay.

  • yawn

    he thinks he’s being self deprecating but he is just showing what a narcissistic douche he is that he notices so many me me me things..

  • Kai

    They really did do a bad job at shopping his face. However, I think if more actors were willing to discuss their distaste at being given ‘porcelain skin’ and looking not themselves but like other celebrities or even worse an alien/human hybrid with plastic skin. Then the creative and art directors won’t feel it necessary to virtually perform plastic surgery on them. Sadly though, not enough celebrities would be incensed at having a cover, ad, or other promo material go out where they look ‘normal’ in it and not super perfect to the point of looking fake.

  • mu d. Kipz

    The one thing that makes me laugh more than Dane Cook is the fact that people don’t seem to get that, gasp, others do happen to find him funny. Just because you, of all people, don’t happen to find his jokes humorous, doesn’t mean that opinion is reflected to the other 6 billion and some-odd-number residents of the earth. Take it or leave it. If you really don’t like him, don’t look up his news. Don’t listen to his jokes. Stop making yourself look like an idiot to those who look at these types of articles because they happen to honestly like the guy.

    It’s like the effing Christian vs Atheist crap you see all over Youtube. And that is my opinion; the same as these little rants about Cookyboy.

  • Dane cook sucks

    Dane, I am sure the movie sucks as bad as the poster so don’t worry about it. I had something else to say… what was it…

    OH yeah, I remember, Dane Cook is not funny.

  • Edumacated duuuuurrrrrr!

    Edumacated dude whoever you are shut the Fuck up!! if u dont like him what the fuck ever, but instead of talking shit about a guy who has made a name for him-self… dude if you got a problem you go out in the real world and try to be Successful instead of bitching because you’re a nobody!!!!
    Damn I have never replyed to one of theses,but damn you’re so big of a douche bag I had too!!!
    And also if you thought Edumacated was funny you’re just a comical fucking Genius TOO!!!

  • David

    i think that all the people who complain about people like dane cook, are morons. yes, any and all of you who go onto the net and say stupid and mean things about sombody you dont know and never will, is retarded. we get it, you dont like him, SO WHAT? what are you gonna do about it, hes still gonna do stand-up and make movies because there are people out there who like him, get over it!